the tank is empty...

Today is one of those days where you want to do yourself a favor. I know that I need to go to the gym. I have not gone since friday. Thats four days off. I know I will feel better about myself after I go. I know that I need to go. I also know there is a Top Chef All Stars marathon on. I am also aware that my bed is comfortable. And I also know that I am better than all of these excuses. The bottom line is, I didnt lose 200+ pounds by listening to these excuses.

I guess the point is, the journey I am on is a constant battle. The battle isnt in the gym. Once you are there, the process takes over. The battle is making the time. The time is there. It is always available. It is tough to let yourself detach from the grid for an hour and wash away the media saturation that we are always consumed in. Perhaps it would be wise to just go to the fucking gym and stop blogging about it. And, don't you worry one second my fat loss voyeurs. I am going to the gym. I think it is important to show that the lack of motivation lives in everyone.

But you cannot let yourself give in. Giving in is what caused me to balloon up to an estimated 500 pounds. Giving in is what lead me to a life of what if's and Should haves. I have to turn my will-do's into have-done's. I heard a great quote on a podcast that I love called Cut The Fat. Download it immediately if you are looking for information on weight loss and healthy living. The quote is so simple and so true:

WTHOUT SELF-AWARENESS, ALL DIETS WILL FAIL!

Read that again. Do it.


You have to have the ability to constantly and consistently be honest with yourself and what you are doing. . You must always be honest with yourself and not cheat your way into failure.. I am better than that. and so are you.

I guess I should show an update.

I have been reluctant to put up a recent photo because I wanted to wait till I hit my goal weight. Not that its some amazing svelte weight, its still a beefy 225lbs. and still over 60 pounds away. But being that I have lost over 200 at this point, I guess I should post one so you don't  think I am not a genuine fatty on the life journey to a healthy lifestyle. There are a lot of men posing as Syrian Lesbians and what not and would hate to see my blog be lumped in with the fraudulent. So here it is. Though if you know me in real life, this wont be nearly as revelatory.

I still have a ways to go but I thought I would at least give a new face to my blog. I have a lot of followers who are not facebook friends who are looking to kill time at work. They are people like me who are on the same journey and are looking to kill time at work.

Glad I could help!

So to all the new people, welcome! And to the old people, love you so much and thank you for making this journey easier.

well how about that.

So I recently just celebrated my 23rd birthday ( just let me ) and I took over a week off from working out.Because it was my birthday and that's how I wanted to celebrate. I also drank a lot of alcohol a couple of nights. Because I love to get drunk. So I begrudgingly dragged my lonesome self back to the gym for penance. It was time to face the music. Which, judging from my choices that week, was either late Elvis or early Adele. I knew that this was going to be an interesting weigh in.

So, I white knuckled it, saddled up to the scale and braced for the damage. I wasn't going to freak out or anything. I had made my choice and I was ok with it. You cant spend your whole life fighting a constant battle. Sometimes you just need a respite, if only to suit up for the next battle.

I step on to the scale. The soulless digital screen flashing in a serious of dashes and numbers. Quickly flickering through, like a slot machine where there is no jackpot. Only shame. In the brief time it takes for the number to send down its judgement, I have conversations with myself.

"Well, either way, you are at the gym doing the right thing."

"You seriously have no self-control."

"But, you have done so well so far."

"You would be further along if you never fell off the wagon in the first place."

My mind races like a cocaine driven Gollum from Lord of the Rings. A fat guy debate... on fast forward... with no moderator.

But, to my surprise, I had lost three pounds.

HOT DAMN!

This is why I lose weight the weight slowly. I dont do crossfit, or insanity, or blah blah. I am doing this slowly  so my body is doing everything right. I monitor my calories on My Fitness Pal. I excersise. I never go hungry.   I just do it slowly so it is sustainable. And I dont beat myself up about enjoying a week. The world will beat you up plenty, dont help it out. Stay happy, stay smart, stay fit.

BRRAAAAIINNNSSSS!

So I have been on a netflix tear as of late. Late summer shows only cover a couple of nights for me. To fill my time of required television viewing, I have been watching zombie movies. What can I say, I love me some zombies. Always have. Then it hit me. I am a zombie!

Well, sometimes...

When you get into a rut in your fitness and nutrition routine, it can make you feel like a slow moving, constantly hungry, mindless beast. Just a shell of your former self, shuffling through life looking for sustenance.

Today was one of those days. I went for my morning run. Had two wholly unsatisfying meals. As a rummage through the doomed town that is my cupboard, I am a soulless ghoul. Lethargically pushing around cans of food looking for the sweet, sweet marrow of salty sweet goodness. All the apples in the world are not going to curb my post-apocalyptic craving. Must have bbrrrrrreeeeaaadddd!

Luckily I am not a zombie. I am a grown ass man who can make decisions that are appropriate. I will rise from the dead to fight another day. This day was just particularly hard.

C25k all day.

So, I have finished my month long bulking phase. I needed a break from all the cardio. So I concentrated on putting on muscle. I might have worked. I cant really tell because I am fat. So I am just assuming that there is a cast member from 300 trapped under my fat. Just go with it.

But now I am starting my next cardio phase. It is a program called C25k. From the couch to a 5k run in 9 weeks. I have always hated running, and if today is any indication, I will continue to hate it. But its only 2 months and I have spent a lot more than that doing terrible things to my body. So I figure it is only fair.

So, I did a shit ton of research to find out if this is something I can do. In my search I found a lot of testimonials. Those things make me want to vomit. All of them are people who were already athletes in high school or college. Then they put on 40 pounds and just couldnt live with themselves any longer. Fuck you. My fucking goal weight is 40 pounds overweight. The only thing more irritating than those testimonials are the Insanity Workout before and after pictures. Are you fucking kidding me with this? It shows people who have abs in the before picture. I cant think of anything more ridiculous. Dont believe me?









Your life must have been such a struggle before fatty. Gross.



So needless to say, my venture is going to be a lot tougher than the wonder stories of ex-track stars who put on some marriage carriage. I guess this whole program is a bit out of my reach but I am going to stick with it anyways. If anything, it will make for good blogging fodder.

THIS... IS... SPORADICALLY SUCCESSFUL!!!!

So I have finally broke the 300 pound barrier. I am back in the 200's which I have not seen in about a decade. I am sure you are wondering why there are no exclamation points being used. Well, frankly, I am exhausted. To say that this is a struggle is putting it lightly. It took me a month to lose 7 pounds. A whole fucking month. That is why you shouldn't use scales. It makes you want to give up. You just can't. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is painful, heart wrenching, exhausting, and it takes its toll on you. I am not saying this to scare you away from it. The rewards are plentiful, and people always talk about that. They don't tell you about the dark side of it. And that is wrong. You need to be aware of it. You need to know that this is a long hard road that is not pleasant. The road is hot, sweaty, smelly, with rashes, sore knees, and back pain. But it is not the road that you need to concern yourself with. It is the haven that is at the end of the road. That place where you find yourself standing in the world you wanted for yourself. It is so far away, but it is still there none the less, and you are only going to get there if you keep moving.

This song is my ultra gay anthem for motivation. The amount of times I have cried to this is obscene.

Im back bitches!

So, it has been well over a year since my last post. I feel like I should explain this. However, you are not going to like the explanation. I stopped doing the blog because I thought it would be a turn off to potential suitors to read about my weight loss exploits. It is hard to put yourself out there to be judged whether it is good or bad. It can be quite embarrassing. I have come to realize, that is fucking stupid. It is stupid for two reasons: A.) I don't have anyone courting me. II.)This struggle is very much a part of me. The success I have had so far could be helping people to reach their own goals. It is selfish for me to keep this journey to myself so I can seem more attractive to other people. So dumb. (editor's note: this is not to be read as a cry for shouts of how beautiful I am. Unless you want to makeout, you are just saying that you think I'm beautiful, but not hot enough to hook up with. I know I am a beautiful person.) On that note, I am nearing my 200 pound weight loss. I might have reached it but I am not weighing myself for four more days. We will get to that in a second. So people want to know what my secrets are. I have decided to share them with you. These weight loss secrets will blow your mind. It is so simple to lose weight. Are you ready? Here we go!

 1. People are dicks. You would think that you would get constant encouragement from your friends and family. When you see a friend and you have lost 5 pounds since seeing them, you expect a congratulatory hug. This is a false belief 90% of the time. Most people are afraid of saying something about it. Weight is a touchy subject for everyone. They take the risk of seeming like they are noticing something that didn't happen. For example, if you haven't lost any pounds(or even gained some), the compliment can seem fake. We have been marginalized for our weight for so long we tend to shun compliments. We find any excuse to not believe them. So, don't worry about what the scale says and just except the fucking compliment already!

2. Scales are the fucking devil. Just stop it already. You know it is going to piss you off. Why put yourself through it. Weigh yourself once a month. Twice a month tops. The last thing you need to see after four days of cardio is that you have gained a pound. It is soul crushing. The scale can wreck your motivation in 4 seconds flat. It is unreal. You need to start thinking of your weight loss as a byproduct of your healthier lifestyle. Your goal should be to live better. Eat better. Exercise more. The weight will come off eventually. It is going to be slow. Way slower than the bitches on The Biggest Loser. 

3. The Biggest Loser is horseshit. This show has done nothing but propagate crash dieting and diet pills. These people have a personal training STAFF, a chef, everything is monitored. It is in no way shape or from a weight loss regimen. They lose ten pounds a week. This will not happen to you. And it shouldn't. Because it is a horrible way to lose weight. It took you years to but on this weight and it will take you years to take it off. They are not role models for you. The weight will not stay off. And their "experts" are just there to market their herbal speed pills that give you "so much energy". Yeah honey, its fucking speed. Chinese Herbal Speed, but speed none the less.

4. Everyone is a fucking expert. Don't listen to people. They are stupid. Don't watch youtube. Don't read this blog. Even trainers. Fact: Your personal trainer has never had to deal with your struggle. They were athletes in high school. They became a trainer so they could live in the gym. Their transformation was getting cut. Not dropping 60 pounds. Unless you are at your goal weight, they are useless. Go to a nutritionist, read about processed foods. Read about whole foods. And then eat them. A lot of them. If you are hungry, eat. Eat well and eat often. If you are hungry you are doing it wrong.

5. My Fitness Pal is an expert. Download it. Use it. It will change they way you think about food. Point systems kind of work, but this shows you exactly what nutrients you have or are missing. Diet Cokes have zero points and about a million grams of sodium. You will soon discover that you start making wiser food choices to meet your nutrition goals. If you want to never be hungry 4 apples last a lot longer than a bag of pretzels.

6. The BIG WEIGHT LOSS SECRET. There is no secret. Eat good whole foods and exercise. Diet and exercise. That's it. It is going to take you forever. That's fine. Years and years. It is going to be ok. This isn't a diet. This is the way you eat for the rest of your life. It's called being healthy. Get into it. I am sorry if you feel let down. But, if you recall, I said that it would be simple, not fast and easy.