OK... so i havent drowned...

So here is the updated info on your favorite fabulous fatty fitness guy. I am still on the wagon. Well, as far as working out goes. I am no longer unemployed!!! But... I am working at Starbucks. I really love the job and co-workers! But the pay is kind of shitty. And by kind of... i mean really shitty. But it is a job and at least I am getting out of the house and earning an honest wage. So... that is that.

I have officially broke the 100 pound mark from my heaviest! I am down over 60 pounds since I started in September. The weight is coming off slowly but surely and I prefer it that way. I eat well and still get hammered from time to time. I just bust my ass to keep the weight loss coming. I could be losing weight faster but I dont want to end up looking like one of the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Here is a reference pic for all my younger fans out there.



I am going to try and update more because for some reason you wanted me to post more. I would like to think that this is because of my wonderful, witty, and humorous musings interspersed with moments of humanity. But I think it has more to do with this:



In any event. Thanks for your support and encouragement. You guys are complete gorgeous huge floppy titties. Tongue kisses to you all. With your help I have now surpassed my goal and way less then...

A day in the mind of a fatty fat swimmer...

96...96...96...

not too fast...

96... 96... 96...

stretch out your stroke...

96... 95... 95...

well one down...

95 too go...

95... 95... 95... 95... 95... 95... 94... 94... 94... 94... 94...

not too slow...

94... 94... 94... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 93... 92...

92... 92... 92...

is there snot coming out of my nose...

92...

yes...

gross...

93...

wait...

oh92... 92... 91... 91... 91... 91... 91... 90...

almost done with the 90's...

ten laps done...

no its not dumb ass you started at 96...

96... 95... 95...

DAMMIT!
89... 89... 89... 89... 89... 89...

please don't ask to share my lane...

please don't don't ask me too...

thank god...

what lap am I on...

ugh...

87... 88...

it can't be 88 im going the wrong way...

I will just say 87...

no that might be cheating the laps and then whats the point...

fine...

89...

ugh...

88...

even though I probably should be at 86...

I better find a boyfriend after all this...

no...

I am doing this for me...

88...

I am such a liar...

88... 88... 88... 88... 88...

I hope you enjoyed this look into the mind of a swimmer. Jealous yet?

Tex Avery effect

Tex Avery was a cartoon God. I am sure you are familiar with his style. If not here is a video to remind you.



Love him. Anyway, so you know how in cartoons there is that moment were someone is starving and then everything around them starts looking like food? Like, their friend with porcine features turns in to a roast pig with an apple in his mouth? This for real happened to me today. Like, for real for real. Like sho' nuff for real real. I was on lap 867,5309 when I looked at the lifeguard and saw this...



Needless to say, I did a double take. I can think of no better snack than Cheez-Its. They are so delicious, they are banned from my house. I am not joking. When a box is in front of me I look like a squirrel storing nuts for winter. So yummy! I am getting sidetracked. What was actually there upon my second glance was this...



I had always thought that this was a cartoon phenomenon but it happens in real life. Either that or I have dieted myself crazy. Probably the latter.

Body Madoff is just a DOUCHE!!

A high-yield investment program (HYIP) is a type of Ponzi scheme, which is an investment scam that promises an unsustainably high return on investment by paying previous investors with the money invested by newcomers. - Wikipedia

So I hope that you are all aware of Bernie Madoff. The Ponzi Scheme douche who bilked MILLIONS of dollars from a lot of people. This is a crime. Not because it affects people, but because it effects rich white people. That is a no-no. Never mind the fact that the only job interview offers I have had are from Pyramid Schemes that apparently no one cares about.

I started thinking of my exercise regimen as an investment. I am investing my money ( time ) in the expectation that there will be returns (lose weight). The more "money" I put in, the more I should get in payouts. I then realized that I am not getting any returns. Oh HELL no! That is some Bernie Madoff bullshit right there! Or so I thought...

Turns out, in a Ponzi Scheme, you take the investments from your new clients to pay your returns for your older clients. That is not the case here, as I am seeing very little in returns. So basically, it is just a failed investment. So Bernie Madoff can rot in jail, but Body Madoff is just a douche. Which, unfortunately, is not a crime. In order for it to be a crime, Body Madoff would have to essentially "rob Peter to pay Paul". To which I say...

ROB THAT BITCH! GRAB AN AXE HANDLE AND BEAT HIS FOOL ASS LIKE A PINATA. TURN OUT HIS POCKETS! Shit, make squat down and cough to make sure he doesnt have a roll of pennies hidden in his ASS!

*( Editor's Note: I am still committed to my lifestyle change, I am just stuck at a plateau and am a touch frustrated )

Im afraid I cant do that Dave...

So this morning I had an e-mail. Not too earth shattering until you consider the source. It was an e-mail from My Fitness Pal. Now, I am not talking about a gym buddy. Or my secret boyfriend at the gym ( he loves me so much, he just doesn't know it yet . It is my fucking Ipod app! I am fully aware that we are living in the 21st century and I guess motivation is always appreciated, but seriously. That is a little too Kubrick for me!



This has to be one of the creepiest things I have ever gotten in my e-mail. And I look at porn on my computer so I get some REAL creepy shit. I thought you would find that interesting.

I had a great workout today! Lifted a bit, swam a bit. Same ole shit.

From Skinhead to Equality Activist

This is an awesome article I found on queerty.com.

Misery Loves company!

So a friend of mine is starting a weight loss blog for his New Years Resolution! Welcome to hell Matt! Has anyone else got some good resolutions?

You can make fun of Matt's pain and starvation here.

So I swam a a lot today. Thats about as exciting as it gets. snore.

Where is this going?

So I have decided that I am going to be trying a new style of blog. I have been obsessed with the news lately and that will be coming through a lot more. I have decided to post things that I fine hilarious or touching or down right enraging. If I keep it just about the weight loss and job hunt I wont post frequently enough. So I hope you don't mind me constantly posting. I need to find something to pass the day while I am waiting for no one to call me about a job offer.

So, the week I had off from the gym was totally worth it. It feels nice to get back in there and feel a sense of accomplishment. I am sure I put on a couple pounds but I find it focused my energy when I went back. I think I will try to take a week long break every few months.

On the job side of things, I am revamping my resume. I have GOT to find a job. I am going crazy living at home. It is so hard to stay positive when you feel trapped and embarrassed by your current living arrangements. You start to lose hope and feel that there isn't a place for you in this world. I know that something will come along eventually. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

So I was talking to this guy when I was out for new years celebratory goodness. He started talking about how the long term unemployed are just sitting on their asses and collecting money. I started laughing hysterically. He said,"I mean, am I right? Or am I right?". He said it with this vaudeville flair that you just had to appreciate. I informed him of my current situation. I told him that I apply to many jobs a week from Starbucks to Congressman and I don't even get a reply. Of course, he has the standard complaint... "Well I have this friend who was unemployment and he just took the money and didn't do shit!"

Well, frankly... your "friend" is a douchebag! I am doing my part and that is all I can do. I can't be blamed for your friends poor choices. So, until you have turned in a jar full of change to pay for the most menial of things, don't judge me.

Happy New Year! And fuck off 2010, you are the worst year of my life and I hope that you are burning in the fiery pits of hell.