So... Here I am again. I am unemployed. And am trying to regain control over my weight. I got a desk job that I thought was going to let me chase my dreams of performing and all it did was make me fat again. Not 490 pounds fat. But I did balloon up to 370. Ugh. So frustrating. But I had a mental breakdown and decided to kick that office job to the curb. I was literally going crazy. But I am in counceling and getting my weight back under control. I have lost 40 pounds. Which I should be thrilled about. But that's another topic for my doctor.

But I am kicking this back up to document my foray into water fasting and ketosis. I have a glucose monitor and am purchasing a ketone monitor. Hopefully I will be able to update this with charts of my success or failures. I have hit a plateau and old school readers of this blog will know that I am no stranger to shaking things up. Right now I am almost 42 hours into my water fast. There is some really compelling science behind this. The goal is to get my body to the state of Ketosis which means your body prefers to burn fat for energy. You can see why this would be ideal. We shall see! I have no funny stories yet. So pardon the dryness. I am also looking into getting checked for endorphin deficiency because no matter how hard I work out, I am just a pissed of drowned harassed rat. I hate every second no matter what the exercise is. Which is not fun when you are working out 6-7 hours a week.

Stay tuned!

It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day

So, As a sit here on my lunch break, scrolling through my fb updates, I am humbled and warmed with the response I got from my post. I never really intended this to be an inspirational thing. Just a humorous way to keep myself accountable in my efforts to get my life together. I feel that, I have left you all out of one of the greatest trials in my journey.

I am sure you all know, but in case you didn't, I through my back out at work back in September. It was on a Tuesday. But not just any Tuesday. It was the Tuesday following the Monday which, after three interviews, I found out that I did not get a job at Capital One. I mean, come on. So much wasted time. But, at least they had the courtesy to call me personally to let me know. Usually employers just let you wonder, for weeks. You are constantly checking your phone to make sure that your reception is adequate. Did you hear my phone ring? Checking your mail constantly. So, I guess there is at least some good there? That was Monday.

Tuesday was bringing you straight up no chaser back spasm realness and not even apologizing for it. At 5am. The worst. But that is another story.

Wednesday was my birthday. But not just any birthday, my 36th birthday. My, I am officially closer to 40 birthday. So, to say I was down and out was a little bit of an understatement. I had vacation time planned so I thought it would be all good by the end of it. Not even close. It turns out that throwing your back out can take a really long time to heal and having a job that doesn't even know the definition of "light work" can throw a real wrench into your plans. And your back for that matter!

So I was on Workman's Comp, which was about 60% of my net take home pay. It was getting pretty scary. Bills piling up, rent due, anxiety attacks, pbr, couch, PS3, hulu plus. Eating garbage and drinking PBR. I had to do something.

Then, I went back to my blog and read all of my posts. I was right back where I started. Well mentally. Then through the glorious side of social networking, a former student of mine became my inspiration. Her success fueled my recovery. It snapped back into gear. I went shopping. Got food for the week. Packed my own snacks and meals. Shaved my depression beard. Yesterday was my seven month anniversary of no cigarettes. Still chew gum from time to time. But it is a step.

And tonight, I am going back to the gym. It is on. I am ready. Time to loose this mass of excuses that are manifesting on my body as weight.

They have been piling up for too long.

Long time...

So today is the official date that has been six months since I smoked my last cigarette. Now before you go cheering me on, and whatever, I must make things clear. I have not been nicotine free for six months. I was using gum until September. And when I am out a bar and everyone was smoking, I had an e-cig as a back up plan.

Some people consider that cheating. Ok. Thats fine by me. People cheat all the time. It is my turn, heffer.

But the simple fact remains that I have not cheated and smoked a single cigarette in 6 MONTHS!

Now if we can all hop in the way back machine, when I started this blog I was at 420 pounds and unemployed. So I decided to turn my life around one step at a time.

This September, I threw my back out at work. It was one of the weirdest experiences of my life. So I found myself on disability. So I was sitting on my ass for weeks trying to get better. Workmans Comp only paid me 60% of my actual pay that already wasn't enough to pay my bills. And to top it all off, during one of my doctors visits I weighed in at 311. I was devastated. I had worked so hard to get below 300. I was down to 274. But what can you do.

So I took stock in what I was eating and drinking. I wasn't burning the same amount of calories. I had to adjust. My last weigh in at my last doctors visit was 307.4. So getting back on track with that. And I know that in the long run, it will be worth it. Quitting smoking is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Its harder than losing weight. But even through all that stress, I rose above the madness and told myself, you are worth more then you have right now, but you need to earn it. I am now officially cleared to go walking and do light yoga. which I am going to go do right now.

In my time on disability, I started applying everywhere and it was arduous. So many questionnaires to fill out and personality tests and on a scale of 1 to 7 and which statement is more true about you and craigslist scams and pyramid schemes and AHHHHHHHHH! But I ended up getting hired by a temping agency and I got a job with Child's Fund. It starts at a higher rate of pay and I am guaranteed 40 hours a week! The job has an ability to be temp to permanent and if that happens I will receive much more money. And now my weekends are free to teach winterguards again. I am so happy! Just got to drop these extra pounds!

Two weeks in.

So I have made it 2 weeks without so much as a puff from a cigarette. It is going fairly well. It was a really stressful week at work, but I managed to survive on nicotine replacements. I am pretty stoked about that. The hunger thing doesn't seem to be that much of an issue. I don't feel as if I have gained any weight really. That was always my biggest fear. I would hate to gain weight after I all I have done to lose it.

Sometimes my depression gets a hold on me. It is something I have always battled. I think that has more to do with my money situation. It is so hard to consistently push yourself to do your job 100% all the time when you are payed so little. It can be so demoralizing  But, I know that I am on the right track to making my life better. Slowly but surely. I just cant tell if I am stalling in my journey, or if my depression is holding me back from seeing the success I have had. All I can do is keep moving forward. It is all you can do. The other option is giving up and I dont think my heart could handle anymore disappointment.

This whole journey into healthier living is a long and arduous one but I know it will pay off eventually.

It better!

Day One Ovah!

It actually was not that bad. Though I hear it gets a lot worse in the next couple of weeks. I was off today and that was a challenge because anytime I got bored, I went to grab my now completely useless lighter. The  nicotine gum helped me out twice today. It is a process. Just like everything else. The good thing that I noticed was my rommie and I have junk proofed our house. In this house, cheating is having a bowl of kashi. Or a spoonfull of organic peanut butter.

I am not quite sold on the e cig yet. I think I just have too strong of a craving for the cig to satiate me. we shall see.

Of course, this process was pretty painless because I was holed up in my apartment pretty much all day. Tomorrow is a work day. 5a.m. the real test begins.!

cessation station

So, the time has come for me to step up my game once again. I have gotten a firm hold on eating good food. I have kept the weight off. I have stalled on the gym front, but I was crazy busy with work and teaching. So what does this next phase entail? quitting smoking.
Ugh...
To say that I am terrified is a gross understatement. I have been a smoker since 1996. It is such a huge part of me. But so was being obese. And I didn't lose any part of me with the 200+ pounds left me. I finally landed a role in a professional theater production this summer. As in, I am being paid. ROCK! However, the part is crazy high and I am going to need to kick this habit to make it through.

As a person who has made tremendous improvements in my weight management, it can be quite scary at the thought of eating to suppress my nic fits. However, I am not doing this cold turkey. I am transitioning to electronic cigarettes. Save me from you complaints about this. I am doing this my way.

It is now 12:02 am . It is officially May 1st. My quit date.

oy.

I can do this.

Give me an inch... and I will take a footlong meatball parm

The hardest part of any lifestyle change is  persistence. It is the single thing that you must have. If you don't do anything consistently you will not see long term results. That's the nature of the beast. That's the reason I avoid using the word "diet". Its connotation leans to a temporary state of living. A diet is whatever you eat. I could be all veggies or all pizza. But it is now synonymous with Lemon juice and cayenne pepper detox bullshit and Super Colon Mega Ass Blaster ridiculousness. As you fine readers know (all 16 of you), Right now I am reading Eat To Live. It is really simple, yet extremely difficult. I posted a while back about the withdrawals I had from not having the chemicals in my body that I was used to.  Headaches and irritability, which the latter is just a character flaw. This is a fact.

When I moved to my new place, I knew that it was going to be a struggle. Not because of the food we buy at the grocery store. I am fortunate to live with a bomb ass chick who not only reads this blog, but also eats really healthy shit. The struggle comes from money. I definitely have had to cut out all the workout supplements I was taking. That shit is expensive. It was 86'd with the quickness. $80 dollars for a workout enhancer? Ain't nobody got time for that! NO thank you.

I work for a little mom and pop operation. Its called Starbucks. I'm sure your not familiar. In any event, when the night is over, we have to through away food that has expired. We normally would donate it, but the charity we were giving it to turned out to not be a charity. Womp. So, we have to throw away the food. And by "throw", I mean shove it in a shopping bag, and  "away" is a euphemism for my mouth hole.  This whole rent and bills shit has seriously drained my non existent funds. So, when faced with an empty fridge, empty stomach, and empty bank account, I need that expired food for sustenance. It seriously kept me alive for a few days. However, blueberry scones and paninis are not on the good food list in Eat To Live. Its not calorie  dense or anything. But when you are using food for fuel, you need to get the most bang for your calorie buck. Bread is not good fuel. It is chock full of complex carbs and nutrient deficient. It is also delicious. Like super awesome yummy in my tummy I want it in my mouth always delicious.

So I ate some bread for a couple days. What's the big deal? The problem lies in the crack in my armor, that slip up that reminds my mind of how fucking delicious bread is. It craves it. Its like the addict who has that sip of booze and all hell breaks loose. They are staring at the bottom of a fifth of whiskey and shame.

When you allow yourself to eat the foods that make you crave them, you are just setting yourself up for a struggle.You have to retrain your brain and start the battle all over again. You are shooting yourself in the foot.

This is the problem with the word "diet". Eating to live needs to be an all the time thing. If I let myself have a treat, that opens the door for more treats. Treating yourself because you were great at work that day. Treating yourself because you were horrible at work that day. Treating yourself because it is a day that ends in day. The rationalization are minds are capable of concocting when we want stuff that makes us happy is quite remarkable. The key is to not open that door. No cracks in the armor. Stay strong. Set your self up for success, not failure. Healthy food is delicious, once you break your self the confines of your processed food prison. The freshness is so bright on your tongue. To allow that manufactured garbage to muddy that up is just retroactive. I need to be proactive. No cheat days. No excuses.